Thank you for coming back to the blog :) I want to continue on in my series called Ashley's Journal Entries. If you don't remember (sorry it has been so long) or if you are new here, I started this series to share my heart with you and to show you what I put in my journal: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to remind you that I am not a writer, nor am I perfect at grammar or spelling (hehe). I am just an ordinary girl hoping to glorify Him. Only through God's grace and mercy, am I sitting at my laptop right now typing away. Only by His grace. Praise Him. I hope that through these words and through the broken, yet beautiful, stories of my life you may come to know Jesus a little bit better and little bit closer.
For this journal entry, I want to give you a back-story! So... for the past year, I have been in an intentional year of singleness (here is a video explaining more about this in detail). I gave one year to God to remain fully devoted to Him. It has not been easy (let me tell you); it's been very tough. And although it has been like a rollercoaster ride with many ups and downs, I am so thankful for this season. I have learned so much already, and I have drawn so much closer to Jesus' heart. Oh, to know Him. It is the richest, most sweetest relationship you could ever partake in.
Ladies, here is where I get real. There was a few months of this season where I was completely head over heals for a godly young man. This guy radiated Jesus like I had never seen in a guy before (not to mention he was funny and cute... I mean come on)! He loved Jesus, served, prayed, worshiped, and was fully surrendered to God (or at least from what I saw from a distance lol).
After a few small interactions with him, I started picturing myself with him. I jumped ahead in my mind. Way ahead. I really liked him (or maybe just the idea of him). I was "head over heals" for a guy I barely knew. I was infatuated and bit by the "love bug". I really prayed long and hard that God would put us together if that were His will. I prayed that God would open or shut doors. I prayed that God would open my crush's heart to give me a chance! I journaled about this boy and this situation for weeks (I am cringing as I write this lol!). I put myself out there multiple times, but nothing came of it (thank goodness because I was still in an intentional year of singleness... hahaha!).
Looking back now, I can see that I was a little bit boy crazy. Was it wrong to like a boy and admit my feelings for him? NO. Absolutely not. But to have obsessed over a guy who I barely knew- I don't think was right. Am I the only girl who has been in this boat? Definitely not- because my sister and close friends have been through similar situations! It is NOT EASY to like a boy who doesn't like you back. It's painful to the heart. But I SO believe that God uses EVEN THESE situations to draw us nearer to Him. In fact, I think that these types of situations (although they seem pointless) are very helpful to a young woman's sanctification process. When I look back on the times where I have grown immensely in my faith, it has been through breakups and heartbreak. Thank you Jesus, that you can use heartache for good :). There is always, always, always a purpose. For every hardship, for every tear, for every dark day. There is even a purpose for that boy who never liked you back. God uses any situation for His glory and to draw us nearer to Him. There is always a purpose.
And now for the journal entry. Please don't judge... I was in the thick of things when I prayed this prayer lol! I am putting this on the internet for the girl who is going through the same thing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You will get through this.
Journal Entry #4 - October 26, 2019
There is always, always, always a purpose.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Steadfastness - to remain under. To not give up until you learned and grew. To not persevere would be to bail out when things get tough.
Every part of me wants to run. I want to run from these feelings. I want to run from seeing him again. I want to go to the extreme of not liking anyone ever because it's so hard to be in this spot!
I hate how much I like him. I hate how much I want him. I hate how I can't stop thinking about him.
God, what is going on with me?
I have never been head over heels for a boy like this. And yes, I consider this a trial and a testing of my faith because in this situation I can stress, overthink, strive, manipulate, plan, and anything else but trust in you.
But Father, that's not what I want. I want to seek your face. My attention seems to go everywhere else besides you. I am so sorry Father.
This is a JOY because it's drawing me back to your heart.
God, help me not to run from this longing but to really press into you. Help me to persevere through these desires and longings. Right now feels like a crucible. It feels like a fire. And you are bringing up all the impurities.
JESUS MAKE ME MORE LIKE YOU.
God, what do you want me to learn from this? Please God, give me wisdom. HOW do I glorify you even in this Father?
There is always, always, always a purpose.
God, you are compassionate, merciful, and great-hearted. You've got me.
I want to end with this quote:
"The most beautiful thing, in fact, is when single Christians acknowledge their longing for a spouse- and yet testify to the sufficiency of Jesus in the midst of the struggle... the world can neither understand nor explain... a single who longs for marriage while declaring, "His grace is sufficient for me" (2 Cor. 12:9). (Matt Smethurst, 9 Ways to Pastor Single Christians longing for Marriage)
I hope this encourages you! Email me if it does - firstname.lastname@example.org :) I would love to hear from you!
P.s. have you seen our recent YouTube video?