top of page
C47DDDB6-60F2-4D31-997C-7B17870BB871.jpg

Our Blog

Stories & Spotlights

Biblical Perspectives on Raw Topics: Overcoming the Shame of Having Sex Before Marriage


Ashley:

Today we're starting a new series on Coffee and Bible Time called Biblical Perspectives on Raw Topics featuring Mentor Mama. Mentor Mama is our mom but she's also your mentor Mom—she's here to be your mentor. She runs the Coffee and Bible Time podcast, so if you are just craving more of Mentor Mama, then go check out the podcast. We'll have it linked here. We're going to have four parts, the first one is overcoming the guilt of having sex before marriage. The second, walking through a lifetime of mental health issues. Three, how to handle emotional outbreaks due to hormones and PMS, and four, how to become comfortable in your own skin aging with grace. All of these topics are personally close to Mentor Mama's heart. She has walked through all these things. So that is why we are so excited to start this series.


Mentor Mama:

I'm excited also, to be a little bit more open and vulnerable.


Ashley:

Taylor, do you want to start us off with reading Titus 2:3-5, which is actually what inspired this series?


Taylor:

Sure. “Likewise teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good, then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind and to be subject to their husband so that no one will malign the Word of God.”


Ashley:

So that's why we're here today, we want Mentor Mama to speak into us as young women and to teach us. Today, we're going to be talking about sex before marriage.


(Sponsor – Alabaster Co.) Use our promo code CBTPROMO, or find our link below to get 10% off your order, and let's experience God's beauty together.


Ashley:

To start off today, tell us a little bit about your own personal story.


Mentor Mama:

I was raised in a Christian home. I'm very blessed to say that I actually went to a Christian grade school. I went to youth group, which I actually really loved, so I grew up having all of the head knowledge of what Christianity was all about, but what I would say is I had kind of three internal issues that I struggled with growing up and I think those three things probably the most influenced the decisions and behaviors, that I made later in my life. To start with, I was given up for adoption, and even though my parents truly, truly loved me as if I were their very own, I never doubted that for a second, but there was still a part of me that sort of feels rejection, of not being wanted. So that was kind of always an underlying issue. Then the next thing is that my parents divorced when I was in the third grade and this was really hard on me, and I think primarily because I was really, really close with my dad, and what that meant was that I went from seeing my dad every day of my life to now seeing him only twice a week and then there were some weeks when I didn't see him at all. So I feel like that just really sort of left a hole in my heart. Lastly, and quite frankly, I think the biggest issue is that God had not yet lifted the scales from my eyes. I had the head knowledge of Christianity, I knew about him, I knew about his word, but he hadn't lifted the scales yet and it hadn't gone to my heart. So, the combination of all three of those things is what I really feel impacted a lot of my decisions.


Ashley:

I think that a lot of times what we go through, especially in our childhood affects so much in our lives, even the decisions that we make and it's really good to become aware of that.


Taylor:

It affects the ways that you seek out love. It affects the way that you think you want to receive love that will most heal your heart in a way and I feel like there's a misconception that you kind of need sex before marriage in order to fully feel loved by the person or fully make sure you know that, he's the one or she's the one.


Ashley:

Or even to fill that void in your heart that you didn't get from your parents or that you didn't get the love you wanted growing up.


Taylor:

This is the topic of sex, but if sex isn't your issue, then it could be anything else that you're filling the void with.


Taylor:

The next question that we have for you is before you became a believer, what was your understanding of sex before marriage?


Mentor Mama:

As I was thinking about how I wanted to answer this question, I was blessed by doing my quiet time and this article that I read in Moody's, “Today in the Word,” spoke to me so much, and I think it describes exactly what was going on at that time in my life. In this article, it says, “empowered by the Spirit, those who put their faith in Jesus Christ can now follow the way of wisdom. Without the Spirit, we couldn't even see it.” and I had a type of spiritual blindness that did not allow me to have the fear of God as I should have and so this article continues to say, “the fool is one who suffers from spiritual blindness,” and Titus 3:3 mentions folly as the chief characteristic of our life before Christ. And wow, I think that sums up this topic! “At one time, we too were foolish disobedient, deceived, and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. This changed when the kindness and love of God, our Savior appeared.” I can see that completely in my life, that I was just a fool, of folly, spiritual blindness. And then, 1 Corinthians 2:14 says, “that without the Spirit, we couldn't even see the way,” it says, “the person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, but considers them foolishness and cannot understand them. That's really what it was like. I was just blind to see the negative impact.


Ashley:

So even though your mom told you, you just didn't understand why she recommended why that was important.


Taylor:

It's like, you don't have a severe conviction that you would if the Holy Spirit was constantly impressing upon you to live by God's Word. It's just advice. A Christian that doesn't understand it, looks at the Bible as advice. It’s not “the way,” it’s “a way.” It’s a better way, but what's the detriment if you don't really follow it the way that I asked you to?


Ashley:

Did you ever learn about that in church or was it just your mom who told you that?


Mentor Mama:

I didn't learn about that in church. I don't remember it being talked about.


Taylor:

We grew up in purity culture and there were some detriments to purity culture. We had that, “true love waits,” talk and that was horrifyingly painful. Don't you think it?


Ashley:

Yes, it was a hard season.


Taylor:

But I did learn that you should wait, but it was just like, what's the point of waiting? The emphasis was to wait because you don't want to ruin your marriage.


Ashley:

Or ruin your heart. They did a crumbled-up heart and they said you can never smooth it back out again, which takes away God’s grace or it completely takes away the Gospel.


Ashley:

Another question for you, Mentor Mama. Why did you choose to partake in sex before marriage?


Mentor Mama:

I think the biggest thing was I was just looking for love in all of the wrong places. I had this hole in my heart, and it's kind of like Taylor described it, I felt like if I participated in that, it was going to bring me the missing love and cherish that I was hoping to have filled.


Taylor:

It's not like you're the only one that thinks that—that's totally the message of the world. It's like not having sex before marriage is completely absurd to the Western culture where we live, it's not true everywhere.


Ashley:

So, did you feel like that that fulfilled you and made you feel cherished?


Mentor Mama:

No.


Ashley:

Not even in the moment?


Mentor Mama:

It didn't, because it can't, so, I would say no.


Taylor:

Then would you say that once you became a believer, it was your natural inclination to live in shame and regret?


Mentor Mama:

Absolutely!


Taylor:

Like something you kind of hide from everybody?


Mentor Mama:

Exactly, yes. It's something that I'm obviously not proud of. Embarrassed, I think, especially in front of you two and whoever might be watching this that I know! But, my goal and my objective in sharing this are really just to encourage other young women, that God's ways are perfect and he has designed this to protect us from so many things. After God lifted the scales from my eyes and I could really see the disgrace of my behavior, you know, I really felt sad about that and I think the greatest thing that made me sad was realizing how much I missed out on how special that wedding day and wedding night could have been if I hadn't done that.


Taylor:

If I could just say one more thing about that, I feel like disgrace kind of brings a little bit of an air of condemnation. I don't really think that's what you mean.


Ashley:

She might have felt like that at the time, but that’s not how God saw her.


Taylor:

Right, because the way that it's important for believers to understand and think and wrestle through, especially sin topics, especially issues like revolving around lust or sex or whatever you might be going through is, Jesus died for you while you were still a sinner, so it's never like he's surprised that you messed up. He died for you when you were in your worst state when you hadn't even accepted him yet and so, there is no condemnation for those who come to Christ. And so, that's an important thing that obviously you learn later in life, and honestly, one of the most freeing things that you can do as a believer is to confess to other believers what you're going through because it takes away that stigma of shame that you feel when you're constantly keeping it inside.


Ashley:

I totally agree—bringing it to the light, but I also think that you can so vividly feel those emotions of guilt, shame, and disgrace, you are feeling those emotions, but the truth and what you know to be true is that, as Taylor said, Christ died for you when you were still a sinner. Christ looks upon you and loves you. He casts your sins into the deepest part of the ocean. He's not thinking about that when he looks at you, he's not remembering that. And so, although you have those emotions like, I feel shame, I feel guilt, you confess, you repent and then you remind yourself every time that shame comes of, no, I am a child of God, he died for me, my sins are gone.


Taylor:

It was never based on my performance.


Ashley:

Yes, so it's that balance of, okay, I'm feeling these emotions, I acknowledge these emotions. What's the truth?


Mentor Mama:

Yes, and honestly, that's how I overcame the guilt that I did have once I became a believer and it was understanding that true confession and repentance and accepting the Gospel message, that is what Jesus came to do. He came, he died on the cross for my sin, which is why it's so powerful for me at communion. I know you're not supposed to bring up your past sins over and over and again, but it does make me truly, so grateful, that God has forgiven me from a past sin like that. I want to read this passage to you that I read in church and it is just near and dear to my heart. It says, “look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn't offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn't greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.” And this is what Jesus said, “I tell you her sins and they are many have been forgiven. So, she has shown me much love, but a person who is forgiven little shows little love. And then Jesus said to the woman, your sins are forgiven.” And this passage, I just thought it was so special as we were preparing to do this video and it's a really sensitive topic for me and I think again, like from a worldly perspective, it's something you see almost on every TV show that you watch, it's just commonplace. But truly when the Holy Spirit has taken over your heart and you see how God has ordained and set apart sex before marriage, he protects people during that process from getting diseases and from having children before marriage, it protects you from having the need to have an abortion. I can remember too, spiritual blindness that even before I accepted Christ, I can remember thinking that abortion was a topic that, gosh, I hope I never have to have one, but I didn't really think a lot about it or think that it was so bad. And then after I became a believer and I realized like even in my own life, I was given up for adoption, my birth mother right there had a choice to carry me for nine months and if she hadn't done that, neither one of you would be here. She could have aborted me and I'm just so thrilled that God lifted that spiritual blindness because now, even that has impacted me and given me a passion to be open and honest with people so that we can help them as well.


(Sponsor - Faithful Counseling): We still have our coupon code available for you guys. If you would like 10% off your first month of doing this, you can go to getfaithful.com/coffeeandbibletime, and you get 10% off your first month.


Ashley:

What advice would you give to the young ladies, the young women, and older women who are reading this today?


Mentor Mama:

My advice would be first and foremost, just to search your heart to make sure that you truly have accepted Christ in your heart and that if there is any spiritual blindness, like almost just doing the sinner's prayer, because if you believe in your heart, that Jesus is Lord and confess with your mouth that Christ died for your sins, you will be saved. And so, I really think that's the most important place to start because until you have that conviction by the Holy Spirit, then you will be open to seeing and understanding. And then I would say the second thing would be, if that is your case, then to forgive yourself, to believe that Jesus is who he said he is, that he died on the cross for you, and he loves you. You are a daughter of the King, chosen, adopted and so, take courage. If it's part of your story, you have the opportunity to someday be a mentor to someone else and encourage someone else and I just want to say too, as a mom, if you're struggling with how to raise up daughters that you hope will go this way, again I think it just starts with helping them in their walk with Christ.


Ashley:

Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for sharing. I just hope and pray that those who are reading would feel so much grace from the Lord for whatever you've been through, whatever you've done in your past, that he loves you. And every day is a new opportunity to just have Jesus wipe your slate clean and continue following him. So next week we're going to talk about mental health and walking through the ups and downs of having hard issues with mental health. We're excited to continue the series. We're so thankful that you are reading this today. Also, if you enjoyed this blog, please share it with a friend. We love you so much, guys. We hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Thank you, Mentor Mama.


Mentor Mama:

You're welcome.

bottom of page